Who am I Usually?
Who am I Today?
Who was I before?
I'm 25 going on 26, and after 5 years and a public engagement, my fiance and I broke up. Life fell apart after that, and I caught myself falling hard for a friend of mine. Now, I'm dating my friend Mathew while trying to deal with Adam's repeated attempts to win me back. Don't forget that Kit and Rick have also both expressed an interest in dating me. Some where in all of this, I think I might find myself.
Or not...
Time: 8:15 p.m.
Date: 2004-02-23
Where am I?: At home.
Who's Nearby?: The music.
What am I feeling?:introspective
What do I want?:To live a life without fear.
2004-06-26 - Dread
2004-05-17 - not a good idea
2004-02-23 - Letter to Adam (unsent)
2004-01-29 - China means NOT Canada
2004-01-02 - Homesick
2004-02-23 - 8:15 p.m.
Dear Adam,
I miss you. Do you know that?
I think you must. You email me every so often, telling me about the new girl in your life. But I don't think you love her.
I don't think you're in love with her when you're spending so much money sending me presents and flowers in China. I don't think you're in love with her when you asked me to come back to just a day before you asked her out. I don't think you're in love with her because I think you're still in love with me.
I dream about you sometimes. These dreams... they're so hard, Adam. I wake up and I think that everything over the past two years has been a dream, a mistake, and that if I just roll over you'll be there. We won't be unhappy.
But then I remember what we went through in the end. I know you told me that you wanted it to be better, that if I had just held on until Spring Break, you would have made time for me, we would have reconnected. But I was already gone, Adam. Long gone. I think I left our relationship at least six months before I left you. And you don't know how much I regret that. I wish I had treated you better.
But I don't regret Mathew. I know you want me to, to say that he was a mistake, a foolish fling that I used to get the taste of you out of my mouth. But for all that Mathew has driven me mad, despite the fact that my parents don't like him... Mathew has been a strong support for me. He's gotten me orange juice in the morning, made me lunches when he thought I wasn't eating, cleaned the apartment and taken care of the cat when I haven't wanted to.
It's not that I don't love you. I'll always love you, Adam. But it's time to admit that we can't really make each other happy. I want to see the world, and you want to ground yourself. And rather than help me find my wings, the way Mathew has, you'll try and keep me caged up and at your side.
And I lost respect for you. I don't know why or when or how, but I did. And when I see you making foolish choices, crawling into some woman's bed while telling me that you want me, I'm disturbed.
Find happiness, my friend. Find it soon, because you deserve it. But accept that you aren't going to find that happiness with me.
I do love you.
All my love, forever,
Caitlyn
