2003-10-21 - 7:21 p.m.

It's amazing, sometimes, the things we do to ourselves.

I actually had a very quiet little breakdown. Not like "ack ack I can't take it anymore ack!" screaming. Just a very quiet... Hmm... I posted my resume on the internet and accepted a job in China.

Some people think I'm joking at this point.

No, I'm in China. I couldn't take "it" anymore, and can't quite defire for myself what "it" was.

I have a few things.

Adam, as always.

It's more complicated than that. It started out with a very simple conversation about Nathan, and for some stupid reason, I said "You know, I'm the only person I know who doesn't believe Nathan and so-and-so are having an affair."

Adam got really quiet for a moment, and said, "I don't know how to tell you this, but...."

So, yes, in fact, Nathan and so-and-so are having an affair. This isn't the first time Nathan's cheated on Angel. It probably won't be the last. So-and-So's husband is apparently aware of this.

I went away from this conversation very disquieted. Added to that, he asked me to keep it a secret. Do you know how hard it is to not have people in your life (who often, out of boredom, speculate if Nathan and she were having an affair) notice that you're not arguing anymore. I just chalked it up to "I don't care, stop talking about it."

But it sat there.

I've been defending them for almost as long as they've been having this affair.

And, like a stupid child, I felt betrayed.

And yes, before someone points out that this is, in fact, very selfish and stupid of me, I know that. It is also childish, self-righteous, self-oitying, stupid, and a bunch of other things. And I'm aware of all of that, which is why I haven't been talking to people about it.

Except it got to me.

Really really really got to me.

So I posted my resume online that night.

I've been talking about doing it for over a year now, so I figured, hey, I'm just confident enough in my plans to go forward with them. I don't want the snow to fly again, and me still be "talking" about going overseas. I want to do it.

So, then Adam and I are talking later, and I said "What bugs me is either you love the person you're with, and don't want to hurt them... Or you don't love them, so why are you with them." Yes, I know, it's very black and white, and not nice, and I was feeling hurt and stuff.

"You see," says I, thinking that Adam has moved on with his life, "part of the reason I wanted to end things with you is because I was thinking of cheating on you."

See, I'm stupid. And chilish, and all those other things. I actually did not see what I was doing here.

I explained how I was getting to the point where I just wasn't looking forward to seeing him anymore, I didn't want to deal with him, or with the stuff at home, or anything anymore, I just wanted to be around other men, Kit and Mathew (I didn't name names, but really....), and so I decided that I loved him too much to make us both so unhappy.

So, see what I did there? I just cut him up, and then cut myself up to match! It was great, I should get some sort of prize or something.

And he tells me how he knew we were falling apart, but he kept promising himself that he'd book time off, that we'd spend more time together.... And instead I broke things off, and he kept hoping.

He's the only person who told me he's afraid he'll never see me again.

I can't even call him, I haven't been able to find a phone card. They keep telling me I can use the head master's office to make calls from, but I don't want to call during the daytime here, so I need a phone card.

So, that's Adam.

Mathew, of course.

We ended it a while ago, and then decided to try it again. And it's like every day is another way of cutting.

No passion. He tells me he finds me attractive, that he can get emotionally aroused, but can't get physically aroused. He can think about being with me, and the memories give him pleasure, but the physical act of being with me doesn't.

Short soft kisses, occasional carresses, lots of hand holding.

At the time this was happening, I didn't think I could feel so lonely.

If some man came up to me and said "My wife, she doesn't want to be with me physically, she just wants to cuddle, that's all," I don't know what I would have said. I was going to type I would have told him he was being a jerk, and love wasn't about sex, or the prelude to sex, but I think I would be lying to type that as a certainty.

But still. What sort of person needs sex? But I realize it wasn't the sex I needed. Mathew always seemed to think it was. But what I wanted was to feel desired. To feel desirable. To be wanted, needed by someone. To have someone touch my body, make it feel nice.

He'd say things like "But your body hasn't changed since we started dating, so it's not something to do with you!" (I tried not to argue, or turn into a whiny child, but I failed. This had been going on for... months. At least 3. We're together, but not really. And I was lonely. And who do you talk to about this? I'll get to that in a moment.) Of course, I couldn't believe that, especially since I'd put on weight.

I tried ways of seducing him, and then I tried suggesting he sleep in another room, because being close to him, but not holding him, or touching him, was driving me crazy.

I finally said, "Can you just try and kiss me three times a day?"

He said, "I can promise that I could kiss you and mean it."

I said, "I don't care anymore if you mean it, I just want to be kissed."

And he sat and really thought about that for a while, and broke up with me again.

I can't remember the reasons he gave, but it came down to he couldn't stand seeing me hurting anymore.

Ta dum. Wow, I got an email from China.

So problem the third... Rick.

Ah, on the good front, he loves his young lady friend, and I'm happy for him.

On the bad front, I told him some of what was happening with Mathew, and how it was making me feel, and ended up drunk, half naked on my couch, making out with him. I'm glad some smart part of my brain screamed, "Um, no, I don't want to do this, because I like his young lady friend" and sent him home. He was very nice about it.

But it hurt, because I just wanted to feel good.

But it hurt, because it really didn't feel good....

And is that because there's something wrong with me, or because I am actually in love with Mathew, so nothing else will ever feel right? Or am I driving myself into the darkness.

Oh, look, they want to pay me lots of money, and will reimburse my airfare over. Isn't that nice?

There's more, there's always more, but I hurt too much to write about it.

I dream about the problems here, though, in my very empty home in China. And I feel more alone than I ever have. I have gone three days without a conversation. I teach. I come back here.

I can't find a phone card. I want to call home.