Who am I Usually?
Who am I Today?
Who was I before?
I'm 25 going on 26, and after 5 years and a public engagement, my fiance and I broke up. Life fell apart after that, and I caught myself falling hard for a friend of mine. Now, I'm dating my friend Mathew while trying to deal with Adam's repeated attempts to win me back. Don't forget that Kit and Rick have also both expressed an interest in dating me. Some where in all of this, I think I might find myself.
Or not...
Time: 1:02 a.m.
Date: 2003-08-18
Where am I?: At home.
Who's Nearby?: The music.
What am I feeling?:introspective
What do I want?:To live a life without fear.
2004-06-26 - Dread
2004-05-17 - not a good idea
2004-02-23 - Letter to Adam (unsent)
2004-01-29 - China means NOT Canada
2004-01-02 - Homesick
2003-08-18 - 1:02 a.m.
We went out to a convention this weekend. And although yes, there were no major fights, almost every conversation I had turned into some sort of bitch session. And yes, I know, I'm a big bitcher, but I had to push Mathew into a conversation that wasn't a list of complaints.
I don't know what to say here. The speculation is rampant among friends that Nathan and Star are having an affair, and that Joshua and Angel are having an affair. I'm a big no on both of those. I suspect that Angel is lonely, and looking for a male friend that she can confide in, and that Star and Nathan may have made emotional commitments to each other (which a lot of people define as an affair), but haven't done stupid stuff like had sex (which a lot of people think is what is going on). I can't really articulate as to why that is.
I feel very... still. And I don't want to be still anymore.
I looked at myself in a mirror on Friday, while swimsuit shopping, and fell into a horrid spasm of depression. I think I managed to hide most of it at the Con. I kept blaming Adam's attack on me for my being upset, but I just felt like a fucking freak of nature all weekend. A few people really managed to get me away from that for a few hours, but I fell back into it again when I got home. *sigh* Some days...
So now I'm sitting here, catching up on blogs and comics, and not doing anything about it. How me.
